750 Word Daily Habit - December 19th 2022
camp nanowrimo, childhood trauma, a selfie of me expressing my gratitude, afro-futurism, letter to an old love and a love poem
It’s now June twelfth, twenty-twenty-four. This is the last seven hundred-fifty for December twenty-twenty-two. I will hold off on scheduling my backlog of seven hundred and fifty word daily habits.
Starting on the first Saturday of July I will be posting weekly updates on my Camp NaNoWriMo Sci-Fi project. Stay tuned for that because it’ll be a lot of fun!
On December nineteenth twenty-twenty-two, I wrote a letter to an old flame that popped back into my life and then faded. And the last part of this letter stuck out to me…
"But for now I’m gonna lock away my want for you in a sacred box and keep it tucked away in my heart."
I realize now how unhealthy this is…
These old feelings about him stirred some conflict, but my partner and I discussed and settled it. I had to learn how to completely purge my heart instead of “tucking my feelings away.“
When I fall in love it’s so deep that it's hard for me to let go. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I’ve always been too open and too eager about my feelings for someone. I had to learn all by myself how to separate infatuation and lust from love.
Due to some early childhood trauma and later adolescent traumas, I never had conversations with my parents on love vs lust and infatuation. My parents just told me to make better choices than they did. And I tried but I needed to be heard.
Due to all that trauma, I wasn't the best communicator of my needs. Thus I never learned how to teach my parents how to parent me better. I come from a household where you do as you're told and don't talk back. Hence, why I'm viscerally anti-conflict.
I wasn't abused by my parents. I was abused by a specific family member. I will not write about this further at the moment because I've been processing this trauma in therapy, with my friends, and through art. One day I will share this story but not today.
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